It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it’s one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you’ll ever do."
— Stephen Fry (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
— Stephen Fry (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
One of my favorite things to ask new people that I meet is what they find important in life. It’s a difficult question to answer especially if never given significant thought. There are many things people live their lives for and this is what inspires people to live a certain way. Some people live to be remembered, some live to their beliefs or religious values, to make others happy, or to live a long and prosperous life. Some people just don’t think about it, they live their lives however they feel at the time and just go with the flow. Many people seem to think this is an objective reasoning but quite obviously the meaning to life has long been a mystery. There is no right or wrong, better or worse, or at least not for oneself. It’s all subjective to people and I admire all opinions and points of view. It’s how I learn so much about the meaning of life, something that I know doesn’t exist but is still fun to search for. It makes me laugh just typing that because of how ridiculous it sounds. Someone might make sense of it.
I titled this entry the pursuit of happiness so quite obviously this is something I am going to bring up in this post. My reason for living is personal happiness. I believe that nothing is more important than feeling good about yourself, and who you are. I believe that there are emotions that are simply unavoidable given the human psyche. This is something I feel like most people have no understanding of and is an enlightening perspective on life. This is something I have spent a lot of time thinking about. To understand why happiness is more important than success, fame, or whatever your hearts content I have to dive into how these things effect a person.
Why are people driven by success? I talk about how capitalism negatively effects people a lot. Capitalism encourages the idea that the more money you make, the more successful you become, the better off you will be. Stability is important but having five cars is not. This of course is an extreme example but I want to dive into this a little bit more. For those of us that are driven by success, when are you actually successful? When you make a certain amount of money every year? For most people the guideline is become successful, there is no real finish line. So when is it that we call ourselves successful and why is it that this is important to begin with? The truth is a lot of this is social conditioning. Whether it be influence of friends, parents, media, the typical reasoning is because it’s important to other people, not you. You want to be successful because then you are higher on the social ladder. You are distancing yourself from the bottom line that we all fear so much. Poverty, welfare, lower class… Because capitalism tells us that it is our responsibility to separate ourselves. We must prestige because if we do we will be happy. We let ourselves be overwhelmed by things that only matter to us because they matter to everyone else. Simply put, happiness is directly correlated with our ability to succeed. I believe this to be one of the worlds greatest lies.
So what is important to us? Why do we live our lives the way we do? Dive into oneself and ask, why do I live?
Thinking I’ve finally found some. I’ve learned a lot lately. God it feels really nice to feel loved. I’m very emotional lately, no doubt. It feels like I have gotten over a huge hump in my life for real this time. It was so fucking hard for so fucking long. The hardest years of my life and many more to come. Life is hard but it will just be so much easier with friends I can count on. I am so thankful beyond words. It’s hard to keep my heart in check but I’ve done it, a few times now. It will get easier over time I think but when I think about her too much I definitely feel some heart ache. Even now when I type that it makes my heart wrench a little bit. Uggh… It’s okay though, she is happy and with a guy that also makes her happy. I’m happy for the two of them and despite my tendency to completely avoid jealousy I am extremely envious. I just want that so bad and it sucks that I don’t have it yet. It’s like really really tough to think about so I figure why bother. Just try to avoid the thought of it and be happy for what I do have. A great friend that can be there for me when I need her to. I don’t have to have sex with her or be in a relationship with her, I just want her as a friend. I can still love her as a friend in a mutual way, I’m capable of just thinking like that and that is okay with her and with him and that’s great, I don’t really care about any of that other stuff so much now. It still tears me apart… She doesn’t judge me and nor do I for her. I have a couple friends like that now. It feels good to be able to say things without the fear of what they may say back. Yes, there are some things that must not be talked about but for the most part we are all open to what we’re thinking about. It’s nice. I feel very safe. Cheers to good friends that can be counted on and not forgotten.
In this world I often find myself asking why a persons perception of me is actually considered more important than who I really am. Why should I have to try so hard to show people that I am who I say I am. Who is that I am trying to impress? I’m not talking about good looks, I can see the importance behind keeping an attractive figure. If I want an attractive girl than it goes without saying I should do my best to look good myself. I mean to say that I could care less what people think about me. I’d like it if they could only understand what goes on in this brain of mine but I am not going out of my way to focus so much on how I am perceived. I have no interest in having friends that care about something so mundane. Everyone has a quirk, mine is that I care more about doing the right thing than most of the people around me. Apparently compassion is not in fashion these days. I don’t have many friends and a lot of them would likely avoid me if given the chance. I’m not great at conversations and I care about things that most people just don’t want to discuss. I’m also able to admit the things I am not good at whereas most people just deny it because they don’t want to feel small. Either as a result of this or as it’s always been I spend a lot of time in my own head. It’s almost like I have a friend in there that I can talk to anytime of the day. I can trust him most of the time, some days he is really hard on me. I’m not crazy, I know that it’s just my conscious mind but I’m sure I spend more time up there than most people. Most of the time I spend thinking is about myself and why I do certain things, what motivates my actions, and what I get as a result. I find that the actions I take even those of which can be perceived as good are more often than not because of self benefit. I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing myself and finding answers I wouldn’t have ever initially considered. Rather than lie to myself about what I want to believe I tell myself the truth. The truth is human nature is not as eloquent as most people think. We are a selfish race. We care more about ourselves than anyone else. By accepting this and probably many other rules about what I think human nature follows I have been able to more accurately obtain information about people’s intentions. Even if it seems like they are doing me a favor I always ask why. Everyone does everything for a reason, whether that reason is known or not only makes it harder to prove. We make decisions based on our conscious and unconscious minds. Sometimes we do something without knowing why but because we felt it. This is our intuitive nature. A subconscious mind making our decisions for us. I read actions, not words. A company donates to charity, I don’t look at the part where they are doing something good for people, I look at why they would be doing so. What benefit does it have to them? Do I honestly think they did it because they care about starving kids or because it would make their image much more appealing. The truth might hurt but more often than not these types of decisions are not made for good reasons but still do contribute to a good cause. This isn’t true for all people but for most that I encounter, there is always at least a mutual benefit between parties. If there is no return to the person committing the good deed or they do not believe they will be rewarded than there is simply no reason to take part in it. I firmly believe in this and I don’t think there is any way to persuade me otherwise. It’s not about not having faith in humanity, it’s about understanding it. So I read actions, not words. Words can be easily manipulated, facts, things that I can prove on my own logic are not manipulated. People will say whatever they need to survive, I’m done listening to people lie.
I rely on my intuition now. Good people easily standout now and I am rarely wrong. I can tell if someone is good or bad within minutes of meeting them. A good person will be friendly regardless of the perceptions they have of you. A bad person will only be friendly to you because they expect something in return. A person that cares about their image will try not to associate with people that stagger this. When you invite someone along you somewhat take responsibility for how they act. If that person doesn’t act as you want them to then suddenly there is a shift. Do you take his side or the groups? I think in my case it’s a little of that and a little bit of fear. When around me I open minds to the things never considered. It’s all I really like to talk about, psychology/philosophy and both can be extremely dangerous. You learn things about yourself you might not want to and more about how the world works than you’re supposed to. The lies we tell ourselves everyday come into question. Life becomes boring and predictable. It’s a depressing way to live, no doubt. They say that ignorance is bliss and I tend to agree however incapable of being ignorant to the world surrounding. However all of this being said I think that a lot of this knowledge I claim to have comes from an intuitive process. The process of using ones sub conscious mind to discover things you may not be able to conclude. In other words basing things not off of facts but feelings. I have never been a strong supporter of this thinking as facts are always more concrete, however I have found that some facts are just too easily hidden and that sometimes taking an educated guess can do a lot. I’m deductive when it comes to peoples intentions. I can guess what their real reason for doing what they are is. By always asking what is this person gaining in return of their actions I am able to discover what their subconscious mind is aiming at. This of course isn’t always predictable but you’d be surprised how often this works. People aren’t always aware of their reasons for doing something and often times when they aren’t sure it’s because they don’t have a good reason to be doing so.
I’m proud of this idea and I don’t think I can stop. I’m very lost into my own mind and I really do believe I have such a good understanding of it that I can start to read others. Not literally, of course but I get the feeling I’m not far off most of the time. The better I know the person the easier it gets. Of course I never make decisions on assumptions, I just know what to look for because of intuition. This of course still makes things very difficult. Am I convincing myself that I can do things that I am not able to. Am I leading myself down my own road to insanity. Sometimes I really wonder. Most of the logic I present to people, they have a very hard time arguing against. I think I know my stuff…
I have done something absolutely amazing. McDonald’s, my employer had been committing an illegal act. The hiring of Temporary Foreign Workers(TFW) over willing Canadian citizens. There is many reasons why this alone is wrong but I’m honestly too drunk to get into that right now. The point is I want to jot this down so that I can look back on it in the generations to come. I successfully outed a BILLION dollar corporation for committing an illegal action inside my country. That alone sounds pretty god damned impressive and it is. Fighting against a corporation like McDonald’s is no simple task. A majority of people warned me that it was a less than favorable decision including a lawyer. I was told not to do this because it wouldn’t accomplish much and I would lose my job, lose my ability to get a new job and quite possibly lose a lot of friends in the process. I had thought about all of this before hand. I am aware of my own intelligence. I chose justice.
I did this for a good reason. It is so amazing to think that I have developed this far as a person.
Just as you would look into a mirror to make sure you look good before you leave your house it is equally important to look into yourself. It isn’t about being presentable, it’s about being the type of person you want others to be. Leading by a true example. It is the simple golden rule of life. Yes, it is tough not to conform to those around you but happiness is not found through lying to others and yourself. I truly believe that peace of mind comes only when you have nothing to fear. Let go…