It’s really quite surprising how the smallest kind gesture can go such a far way to people. Showing that you care with a small gift or even just a text out of the blue can be more meaningful than one would imagine. I have a lot of experience with being lonely so you’d think this would be obvious to someone like me but apparently it took twenty long years to realize such. Every day I will make it a habit to ask someone how they are doing and mention something that they have done recently to show that I care because I do! I always have it was just so hard for me to show it. I was scared of being considered awkward or being rejected. Now I realize that I am better than that. If a particular person doesn’t want to speak to me it’s because they have some problem of their own. The level of confidence I now control allows for this train of thought. Theoretically this should mean I have no troubles approaching anybody but as is to be expected I still have small amounts of anxiety that prevent me from doing so. However, I feel like I’m improving at a somewhat accelerated rate. I’m beginning to understand the nature of conversation and other human beings. Although I do hate being ignored by snobby people, with the right attitude I can even appeal to them. The people that lie and try to knock me down time after time eventually come around. After all I give them no choice. Become friends with their friends and then suddenly they realize they don’t have an out. They have no choice but to give me their respect not that I necessarily want it. As far as I’m concerned I choose whom I talk to now. I deserve that as I am a good person and don’t deserve any of that toxicity in my life.
I remind myself today that I do understand things quite easily and have a vast amount of knowledge on many topics that I may not have a lot of experience in simply because I observe. Those around me don’t think I could do it but that’s not for them to decide. Again I have a certain stigma that needs to burn in my past. It might take sometime for that but I’m ready now. My confidence level is at an all time high and I’m continuously improving beyond a point of return. Sticking to my core values and expressing myself however I want is leading to something amazing. Although I’m not without struggle. I ought to be careful of not overdoing it and hurting someone. However, there are some people unfortunately that I feel need the pain returned. I don’t want to encourage revenge or war but more of discipline. I will not tolerate toxic behavior and especially not when it is affecting me or my friends.
A couple days ago a friend posted on Facebook that he was going to treat people the same way they treat him, some should be scared and some should have nothing to worry about. As much as I used to be against this type of reasoning I definitely can understand the approach and wouldn’t mind giving it a try. However, it’s got to be put delicately or else you are just starting an unwanted fight.
Day by day I’m beginning to realize my strengths and how far they can get me. The things I’ve learned and experienced have put me miles in front of the people around me. Primarily my maturity level and my self awareness. Where most people have problems with anger, jealousy, greed, laziness, and other things of the like I do not. I actually act like I do a lot of the time just to fit in and seem normal but I have absolutely no concern or care for these mundane qualities. Where I used to get jealous I now think about how I could prevail instead. I spend my thoughts and effort on things that matter rather on those that don’t. I take things head on and have no fears. Regret? Hah! Why regret something that you have already done, why not just learn from it instead. I’m one of a kind and I’m beyond incredible.
I got really depressed for a while because I was unable to recognize the flaws that I possessed that stopped me from advancing in my life. I felt hopeless and my confidence dropped. Prior to that I was similar to how I am now. I believed in what I thought was right and I always trusted my instinct. Because I’ve spent so much time analyzing myself and observing other people around me I now feel like I’ve accomplished something serious. I’ve become completely independent. I no longer rely on anyone and I always take action into my own hands. I’ve taken control of every part of my life and I’m steering it in the right direction. My lust and my loneliness were the last things. I no longer crave anything and it’s easier than ever to let something go.
Kalen, this is a reminder to you that you are one of the smartest people on the planet and you don’t need to prove that to anyone. Where others have book smarts and street smarts you have something else that isn’t one nor the other. It’s something unusual and unworldly. You are a special breed. You can do anything that you set your mind too as long as you have the intention of following through.
This is a foreshadow of the brilliant things you are doing and will do with your life.
This is the beginning of a new chapter in your life.
It took me a long time to be confident enough to make this realization. Most of the people in the world may not understand what politics really are. However, many of those people utilize them every day. To make friends, to make themselves look like good Samaritans. The truth is they aren’t. They are liars and cheaters. They cheat the world and their so called friends to get an edge in life. Don’t get me wrong politics aren’t always bad things but the way I’ve witnessed this it makes me very upset. I’m lied to on the regular simply because they know they can get away with it. I’m a legitimately mature and respectful individual. I do things only if I know they aren’t hurting someone or at least I try to. That being said everyone makes mistakes. That’s why I’m so quick to forgive people and give them more and more chances to show me that they are capable of being good as well.
I must be careful moving forward. Manipulation is very common in our modern day society. I’m also no longer afraid to get my hands dirty to fuck over the people that do this constantly. Unfortunately it’s impossible to prove. Most people are smart enough to cover their tracks. No, I can’t prove it with facts but my instinct is incredible and I must remember that. I can sense when someone is doing things for the wrong reasons and I should stay distant from them.
There is a line I like a lot from an anime I’m somewhat fond of. It’s called Code Geass. Lelouch, the protagonist decides to take on the worlds super power with a power of his own. He is philosophically and politically wise. When challenged to a duel to fight for his people he proposes an interesting question. I quote, “What happens when there is an evil you cannot defeat by just means?” “Do you stain your hands with evil to destroy evil or do you stand steadfastly just and righteous even if it means surrendering to evil.” It’s then pointed out that this is a paradox in either case the evil still remains. His opponent Lord Gilford then says he chooses justice to which Lelouch says ” I understand, in my case I commit evil to destroy the greater evil!” It’s an incredible line for a somewhat mediocre anime. It’s an eye opening point. You cannot defeat evil without exposing yourself to it. This explains most of what is wrong with the world as the world is evil…
I used to be relatively close to a girl I once worked with. She wasn’t really into me nor I her, but I guess you could say she was an option that I considered seeing as she sort of did the same. I guess what I’m trying to say is there was potential but neither of us took action so we stayed friends and we talked about various things every once in a while. To be clear I don’t lie to myself or to others so when I say I wasn’t interested, it’s more like I would have railed her but I wouldn’t be happy in a relationship.
How is that relevant to confidence? It’s not really I just sort of wanted to give a little history between the two of us. She saw that I was struggling to be myself, that I was struggling to get a girl, and that I was a virgin. I asked her for advice on the regular, not that it was very helpful. I had thought about the idea that confidence makes the biggest impact on any person more than anything else. However, I did not understand why. Everyone always said it, just be confident, be yourself. What did this mean and why was it important I wondered.
What it meant wasn’t a huge mystery to me. Being confident meant believing in yourself. It meant not being persuaded by popular opinion or by group mentality. It meant not being afraid to show your true colours in public. It meant being honest with oneself and not hiding. It meant being brave. Figuring out what it was wasn’t particularly difficult. I’m a pretty smart kid, that much I already knew. The execution was difficult no doubt but I’ve made incredible progress on this detail alone. I no longer feel scared around strangers and I have no problem showing who I am and what I like. I am more honest with myself than any other person on the planet and I’m not one that lies regularly. Most importantly, my belief in myself is no longer a load of bullshit. I whole heartily believe that I am capable of doing anything within reason as long as I work hard and dedicate myself. I once again can call myself a confident person.
The importance of confidence was much harder to grasp. Why is it that confidence is so sexy and so compelling? It’s a question with many answers. However, I spend a lot of time thinking and I pose myself with a lot of questions just like this one. I’d like to believe through application I’ve found some answers. Confidence is sexy because it means one won’t back down. They don’t get scared of a challenge because there is simply nothing to be afraid of. Let’s analyze the point for a second. At first glance challenges aren’t something to fear. Most people would probably say that. So then why do so many people opt out? It’s that reason exactly. Challenges are scary because there is a chance that one may fail. Failure itself isn’t usually the reason people choose not to take on a mission, but rather the way people around them react. There are many examples I could use but I will give just a few. Failure leads to disappoint a friend or a loved one. Your fear is of letting someone down. Failure leads to embarrassment. You’re afraid to look weak. Failure leads to hardships. You’re afraid of being poor, homeless, etc. All of these things make complete sense and are completely normal. We have all been scared of a challenge before. However, in order to be that confident person that everyone talks about we need to do something. Let go of fear but don’t abandon reason. Remember the logic behind it all. If you fail, you might let someone down or embarrass yourself but if it’s simply acknowledged as such you can always try again. I don’t think I’m explaining it the same way I intended to but it makes sense in my head. I see many of my friends back down from things because of their fear of looking inadequate. The truth is everyone has something they aren’t great at. I think a confident person has no problem showing that. A confident person isn’t insecure about their embarrassing qualities.
The difference between me and everyone else in the world is that. The reason I lost my confidence wasn’t because I was less intelligent, less attractive, or less popular than I thought I once was. The reason was because I THOUGHT I DID. It’s funny how the brain works but as funny as it is to me all of the kids movies were right. Believe in yourself and you can do anything! I believe in who I am and what I can achieve. Yes, I will make a fool of myself every day for the rest of my life and I am perfectly okay with that. The important part is that I won’t give up or back down because I know I’m capable. Nobody can convince me otherwise.
I don’t know the origin or the reason behind creating this day. I’m sure it was created simply as another celebration. A celebration for couples that make it through all the hardships. A day where to people pretending to be happy together can go out and flaunt their undying love for one another. That probably comes across the wrong way, it’s just an observation or an opinion of mine. I’m legitimately happy for those that can be happy together, it just seems entirely rare in our modern day society. Perhaps my loneliness has made me bitter.
Today I don’t feel particularly alone. It’s funny considering that I feel lonely on a daily basis. I’ve never had a significant other therefore I have never been one to celebrate the 14th of February. I wonder if it’s stressful. I wonder if the public pressure forces people to do something they don’t really want to do. I wonder how many relationships have been shattered because of a day like today. Perhaps the alternative is worth it. Maybe excited lovers wait all year for what is a special day.
Maybe one day it will all make sense to me.
I don’t remember the real reason as to why I abandoned my friends. However, the more I see them around the more I realize that they haven’t grown. I try not to let myself drive my own ego but there is a certain truth that simply can’t be ignored. I am a mature and grown individual. Unlike many I don’t intentionally make mistakes or at the least think out the situation before I find myself in it. Everyone makes mistakes, therefore a lot of people must think it’s okay to make them. A mistake is something you acknowledge in hindsight not before. A mistake is not a choice. If you choose to make it you are lying to yourself and that is wrong. I’m one of the few people in this world that not only understands that but doesn’t ever do it.
Maybe my wisdom isn’t a gift but a curse. Because of this moral intelligence I have few friends and I find it hard to connect with anyone. The people in my life I once called friends were abandoned not because of my addiction or depression. It was because they were apart of a toxic environment. The kind of community that would lie, cheat, and steal because it’s easy to excuse these acts as mistakes.